I previously highlighted a handful of Star Wars gifts that, while undeniably cool, served no real purpose. Well, some of them served a purpose, but no purpose worth serving. And while I was inspired to create that list due to my love of the series, it isn't right to leave Trekkies (and Trekkers) out in the cold.
Finding Star Trek gifts that would make good additions to the list was a little tricky, as some of them were a bit repetitive when compared to the Star Wars list. A Haynes manual to the U.S.S. Enterprise? Sure, that's super cool and incredibly useless, but it's a little too similar to the Star Wars blueprints. Fortunately, after searching the ol' internet, I managed to find Five Totally Awesome but Incredibly Useless Star Trek Gifts.
Star Trek Interactive Tribbles
For those who didn't learn their lesson from The Trouble with Tribbles, interactive replica Tribbles are available for purchase over at ThinkGeek. They shake, quail, and stick to your clothing with their velcro stomachs. And what are they good for? Not a damn thing. You know who would really love these? Your cat. I can't wait to drop twenty big ones on a new cat toy.
Klingon Translator Ring
I'm a big believer in constant self-improvement. I think it's essential to being a good person. There are many ways in which people can improve themselves, a popular goal being learning a new language. And what's better than learning a fake language that only nerds can understand? This Klingon Translator Ring from Amazon can help you do just that. Is it really a fake language if people can use it to communicate? You know what, don't answer that. This is one rabbit hole that I don't want to go down.
Star Trek Talking Communicator Keychain
"Come in Dork Central. This is Ultra Nerd 7." With this Star Trek Talking Communicator Keychain, you can repel any hopes of a healthy social life any time you check your post office box or start your Kia. You get classic sound effects and phrases from the television show, including Dr. McCoy's famous "He's dead, Jim." I assume he's referring to the one wearing the keychain, who's almost certainly dead on the inside.
Star Trek Red Shirt Cologne
Star Trek Cologne? Now that's just silly. We all know that Star Trek fans can't attract women. Ha, I kid! Trekkies come in all shapes, sizes, and genders, and I'm sure some of them smell more than a little ripe. But what's the point of wasting perfectly good cologne on a red shirt? Nobody cares what your corpse smells like when it's jettisoned into space.
Star Trek Snow Globe Ships
I wish I could say that this list contained all of the useless Star Trek gifts that are available, but I cannot lie to you, dear reader. Surely, someone, somewhere on the internet, is selling a replacement positronic brain for an android or maybe Vulcan Death Grip lessons. May you Live Long and Prosper, and get gifts that are actually useful.